Skip to main content

About your Search

COM 22
English 22
Search Results 0 to 21 of about 22 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 10:30am PDT
'm afraid i have some tragic news. jim? >> the financial times reports drought conditions here in the u.s. say that it's destroyed crops used to feed pigs. the pig association says it became too expensive for farmers to buy pig feed so they reduced their herds. the national pig association is reporting of an "unavoidable global bacon shortage." >> stephen: a global bacon shortage! we're all going to die! much later than we thought thanks to the reduced salt and nitrates in our diet. (applause) still, we will all eventually die-- and without bacon in my mouth. (laughter) this is unthinkable! without bacon what will k.f.c. put between the two slices of chicken in the double down? roast beef? that's unnatural! you go to hell. (laughter) well, i for one am going to be ready for the coming a-pork-alypse. (laughter) i am presently building an underground shelter and stocking it with all the salted hog meat i can find. bacon, pancetta, proscuitto, hamhocks, canned ham, john hamm. (laughter) oh-- he looks salty. (laughter) nation, they say that this bacon shortage is caused by global warming and
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 11:30pm PDT
beneath disney world. faster, chakor, they're running out of mickey pretzels. now how-- how is the u.s.-- mickey. (laughter) all for mickey, please don't sue. now how, how is the u.s. supposed to compete with countries where workers toil for pennies an hour? luckily, one company that has found a way to keep manufacturing right here in america and they bring us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) supply chain. folks, tonight i am happy to share a success story. it's a little company called unicor that does 900 million in business annually making bedding, blankets, table linens, circuit boards, prescription eyewear, and solar panels. and all at low cost for sizable profit. how do they do it? volume. also, prison labor. after all, prisoners are some of the most skilled manufacturers. i mean who else can make a toothbrush and a lunch tray into a cross bow. now folks,ed federal bureau of prisons founded uni core to rehabilitate inmate its while providing government agencies with low-cost products and services like help desk call centers. now when you call tech support you won't get som
Comedy Central
Oct 29, 2012 11:30pm PDT
of shorts far man, one giant bulge for mankind. (laughter) of course, all that is ruined now because the u.s. anti-doping agency is accused armstrong of leading a massive doping program throughout his career. i don't understand why they're coming down on lance for doping! of course you need drugs to compete in a multiweek bicycle race! you need drugs just to watch one! (laughter) and now my friend lance has received the harshest punishment in the history of cycling. >> cycling's international governing body stripped lance armstrong of his seven tour de france titles and banned him for life from the sport. >> stephen: so what are they going to do to the titles now, give them to the runners up? oh, i'm sure they weren't doping. they finished second behind a guy who rocketed up mountain sides with powdered monkey nut injected into his heart. (laughter) yeah, these guys are clean, no doubt. squeaky. (laughter) but, folks, losing his seven titles is not the worst news for lance. >> experts estimate lance armstrong might lose up to $200 million now that his big sponsors have dropped out-- nike rad
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:30pm PDT
. bush. you liked him. why not romney? >> he got 44% of the hispanic vote but he was the first u.s. president who thought-the-that he spoke spanish. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: he thought he spoke english, too. (cheers and applause) jorge ramos, thank you so much! jorge ramos, univision, we'll be right back.
Comedy Central
Oct 8, 2012 11:30pm PDT
a bottle of tang and go u.s. -- >> bottle of vodka bz. >> stephen: bottle of vodka. okay. now you have done all these heroic things but its most heroic thing possibly is you have entered publishing. you have a new book called mousetronaut and it's adorable. but it's also based on a true story, isn't it? >> it is. >> stephen: tell the people where the story came from. >> on my first space shuttle flight we will 18 mice on board. >> stephen: on purse. >> on purpose. they didn't climb up the rope so we had 18 on board and 17 of them really did not like this experience. they were latched on to the inside of the cage with their little mouse toes and fingers. but one of them seemed to really get it. he would fly over and drink his water and fly over and eat his food. >> stephen: really. >> occasionally he would do a flip and that's what that book is based on is that little guy. >> stephen: did you take z you learn any lessons from the mouse. who was more comfortable in space, you or that mouse. >> i was in charge of the mouse. but i did learn-- . >> stephen: really, you were in charge of the mous
Search Results 0 to 21 of about 22 (some duplicates have been removed)